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Relationships

10 Top Reasons Why Relationships Fail – Especially At Holidays

Happy couple drinking hot tea.The festive holiday period is portrayed as a time of loving families and relationships – of giving and sharing, but it seems that the Christmas period is also most busy time for looking for relational breakups and looking for another romance.

According to Match.com, over recent years hits to their site are at a peak on December 25th.

Perhaps it’s the holiday time stress, or all those office parties that is the springboard for succumbing to temptation.

To find out what was going on, the progressive dating site whatsyourprice.com, filtered on a big portion of their membership and came up with the 10 top reasons to explain this seasonal anomaly with romance and relationships.

So the number 1 reason relationships to end and love tokens to be returned was…
Ready for revenge! Rear view of young women holding a knife whil1. Cheating & Unfaithfulness. Dastardly and unforgivable – or is it?

It was found recently that 54% of people surveyed said that cheating is justifiable under certain circumstances.

The survey by USA Network with the premiere of its new show Satisfaction teamed up with New York magazine to ask 411 New Yorkers about their relationships.

82% said they would have no tolerance if someone cheated on them, but 81% admitted that they would cheat if they knew there would be no consequences to their actions.

Is that surprising? – I’m not sure and there isn’t data that tells us if this has changed over the years.

young upset couple in bed
2. Unfulfilling sex.

Whether it was uninteresting sex or maybe one partner got bored with the same old form and action, interest in the bedroom was number 2.
Before you give up though try these 7 Ways to Put The Spice Back Into Sex.

woman talking to her phone3. Jealousy.

Too much jealousy especially when it becomes controlling should be taken seriously. Interests may have departed wildly from the partners which may have brought about contact with a new crowd. Or maybe it’s a case of getting a little too attached to social media accounts. It’s always best to find out early on why the other half is acting like a kid before it gets to stalking and checking the credit card receipts.

Stressed couple fighting over the family budget, spending4. Finances.

Couples getting frustrated over their finances is as old as marriage itself. Having an argument over money is better than having none and it’s better than never discussing the topic. Know each other’s credit, earnings, and debts.

Pcouplehappy-25. Family differences.

It may well be that the person someone first knew, laughing at the same things and liking the same movies are different and some odd skeletal remains are found in the closet. Compatible values are important in a burgeoning relationship – find out early.

men enjoying his meal while watching tv6. Weight gain.

As he settles into a comfortable life with the healthy fit you he slides into the couch with a beer and a huge bag of potato chips. Maybe you can’t force him down the gym every night but perhaps suggesting some joint goals together would help. Sometimes the weight just grows imperceptibly.
Man sitting on a money pile while woman is doing chores7. Laziness.

Who wants a lazy partner? Sure we all want some relaxing moments, but if now and again becomes all the time, it’s worth pondering on the fact that people won’t normally change a great deal.
Pclingy-28. Too clingy.

There needs to be boundaries set early although it can be hard if someone is naturally that way inclined but he must learn that it’s never a comfortable feeling – being clung.

wake up 49. Cleanliness.

Unless your partner is OCD there would be no complaints regarding cleanliness. But if he’s too messy, tell him that tidiness and orderliness can make you instantly happy and content.

It's Your Fault10. Frugality.

Well I’m sure this is a euphemism for cheap and cheap ain’t good. However if money is a problem don’t worry and work things out together. Cheap is bad though.

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Relationships

7 Ways to Put The Spice Back Into Sex…

…or 7 Ways Kinkiness Is Key To Improving Your Sex Life
couple4
For young and old, from living in caves to urban living, in fact ever since we evolved to take advantage of the cooperative nature of partnerships men and women have been seeking pragmatic ways to avoid the sameness that comes after a period of time living together.

So if you or your partner no longer feel the rush of dopamine coursing through the body and the adrenaline high of expectation is on vacation, in other words if you’re…

Bored in bed? We’ve got you a not-so-scary solution.

You want to be more adventurous in bed—sure, but the mere thought of exploring the world of kink can be enough to make you cringe. (Where does one start?)

Here’s the thing: Most women conceive “kink” as way more intense than what it really entails, says Vanessa Marin(http://VMTherapy.com), a psychotherapist and sex therapist. “A lot of women feel intimidated because they associate it all with the hardcore stuff,” Marin says.

“But there are many different levels, some of which are quite tame,” she adds. Even good girls have fantasies, says dating coach and sexpert, Laurel House. And if you’re into exploring—to any extent!—upping the ante in bed can even improve your relationship.

It opens you up to new sides of yourself you didn’t know existed. So back to that “How do I start?” question. Here, seven less scary, more exhilarating ways to heat things up—starting tonight!


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Relationships

How To Listen To Your Colleagues Whilst Ignoring Them

This reminds me of an episode of Frasier especially the second one in the list below, where he suddenly stops Daphne in an avalanche of boring story telling, which rarely ever had a point (although cleverly now and again the point she makes is profound) and then pauses and says “Sorry Daphne, carry on” at which point she has lost her train of thought – “New technique I have been working on” he mentions to his brother. He tries the same thing with his father later on but Martin just carries on without a bat of an eyelid.

office

The other day, one of my coworkers said something about how he was feeling or something, I can’t remember exactly what. The point is, listening to your coworkers is hard. That’s why, when speaking with your coworkers, the best course of action is to make them feel heard while at the same time ignoring them completely. Here are my favorite ways to do just that.

1. Ask vague questions
Come up with six or seven vague questions you can ask at random points without giving away the fact that you haven’t been listening. Questions like, “Tell me more” or “What do you mean by that?” or “Why do you think that is?” or “Who are we really?”, will make your coworker delve deeper into the recesses of his mind, leaving you to be with your thoughts about what you’re having for dinner tonight.

2. Create a distraction
If your coworker wants to chat with you, it’s always great to suggest a “walking” meeting, or to meet somewhere outside of the office. This way there’s always something to point out at key moments, whether it be a cool piece of graffiti, homeless person or any shiny object. While he talks, keep on the lookout for anything that might seem interesting and point it out whenever you feel like you can’t take his yabbering anymore. Then, apologize for getting distracted and ask him to continue. Rinse and repeat.

3. Mention his attitude
Interrupt your coworker with a simple, “You seem angry,” and quickly follow it up with, “Are you ok?” If you point out his overall attitude, any attitude really, you’ve instantaneously made him feel heard, and also sort of exposed. It’s the perfect combination. Now he feels like you’re listening to him on a deeper level than anyone else, even though you’re actually spending time in the Twitterverse of your mind.

4. Start with a hard stop
Start every conversation with, “I have a hard stop in 3 minutes.” For desperate situations, say you have a meeting. If you don’t have a meeting, say you have a deadline. If you don’t have a deadline, say you have an email you have to finish reading.

5. Agree overzealously
Interject with strongly agreeable statements, such as, “I totally get that,” “I hear you 110%” or “I am right there with you, boo.” The positive reinforcement will make your coworker feel validated as if you were actually listening. Even better, your coworkers will feel like you’re completely on his side even though that would be impossible.

6. Seem confused
Have a painfully confused look on your face throughout the conversation. This will convince your coworkers that you’re listening intently, and not actually trying to decide which has more calories, a margarita or a vodka sour.

7. Be silent
An interesting thing happens when you’re totally silent. People tend to feel like they need to fill the silence with more talking, and eventually they end up talking themselves out of whatever they were saying in the first place. Do this long enough and they’ll think of you as some all-knowing ever-present tai chi master.

8. Talk about the big picture
Coworkers often want to talk about tiny boring details that could drain the life out of a drain pipe. Questioning their focus on the big picture takes the spotlight off of your inability to listen and back on their ability to keep talking.

9. Attempt to repeat them
It’s important to paraphrase what your coworkers say in such a way that you’re actually telling them what you want to hear. If they mention problems, turn them into challenges, if they mention complaints, turn them into opportunities, and if they mention their vacation, turn it into a guilt trip. If they point out that you don’t seem to be understanding, suggest a class on effective communication.

10. Avoid eye contact

Never look your coworker in the eye while he’s talking. Non-verbal communication specialists say that tilting your head and looking up indicates reflection. Do this while nodding so he’ll interpret it as you trying to figure out a solution to his problems, and he’ll be unable to see your eyes glazing over. Another option is to close your eyes altogether and assure him it helps you listen. If you fall asleep, try not to snore. When he finishes talking, simply open your eyes again and say, “I’ll think about that some more”. Then walk away feeling refreshed and confident, knowing your coworker really thought you were listening that time.

Author: Sarah Cooper

Office Humor, Technology, Culture – The Cooper Review

I stick with the time-honoured tactic of looking at my watch and saying “is that the time?” without a thought to what a meaningless question that is on a number of levels. Or better still “that’s my phone vibrating” pull it out and start to speak in urgent tones.

And what about the daddy of them all, whilst they’re speaking to to edge closer and closer so that you have gone past the barrier of acceptable space limits and you are now invading theirs. Nobody likes a space invader or do they? It may not work if they happen to be space invaders, in that case you may end up in a very strange position.

 

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Relationships

5 Things To Avoid When In A Good Relationship

happycouple

Before we gained love sense, it was hard to offer an incisive explanation for how love fails. Theories that concentrate on bad behavior and lack of communication skills focus on the symptoms of couple distress rather than the root cause: the overwhelming fear of being emotionally abandoned, set adrift in the sea of life without safe harbor.

What we’ve missed for so long is that discord is almost always an unconscious protest against floating loose and an attempt to call, and even force, a partner back into emotional connection. Here are some of those signs of discord:

1. The slow erosion.

When emotional starvation becomes the norm, and negative patterns of outraged criticism and defensiveness take over, our perspective changes. Our lover begins to feel like an enemy; our most familiar friend turns into a stranger. Trust dies, and grief begins in earnest.

Research from the University of California found that the quality of positive support—reassurance that a partner is loved and esteemed and is capable of taking control of his or her life—is the most crucial factor in the health of any relationship.

2. Poisonous criticism.

We never like to hear that there is something “wrong” with us, or that something needs changing, especially if this message is coming from the loved one we most depend on. Criticism from loved ones rings the survival alarm bell in our brain; it sets off the deep-seated fear that we will be rejected and abandoned.

Psychologist Jill Hooley’s work at Harvard measures the impact of critical, hostile comments made by loved ones and shows that disparagement by those we rely on may even trigger relapse of mental illness, such as depression.

3. Toxic stonewalling.

We all use withdrawal at times when we are hurt or offended, or simply worried about saying the wrong thing. It’s like a pause in the duet we do with our partner; it can allow us to gather our thoughts, find our balance. But withdrawal is toxic when it becomes the customary response to a partner’s perceived blaming.

One of the rules of attachment is that any response is better than none. When we stonewall, we mostly do so in order to cut off our emotions; we freeze and retreat into numbness. But when one dancer completely leaves the floor, the dance is no more.

4. Dead end.

As the cycle of hostile criticism and stonewalling occurs more frequently, it becomes ingrained and defines the relationship. These episodes are so destructive that any positive moments and behaviors are discounted and marginalized.

And as a couple’s behavior narrows, so do the partners’ views of each other. They shrink in each other’s eyes; the full panoply of their personalities shrivels. She’s a carping bitch; he’s a withholding boor.

Psychologists refer to this as a process of escalating negative appraisal, where every response is seen in the worst possible light. Both partners become hyper vigilant for any hint of slurs and slights, abandonment and rejection. They cannot give each other the benefit of the doubt, even for a moment.

5. The sudden snap.

Everyone knows that an affair can cripple a relationship. But other events may be just as momentous and damaging because they contravene our wired-in expectations that loved ones will be our shelter at moments of threat or distress. The young wife who miscarries and finds her husband can’t comfort her. An immigrant who pleads with her husband for her sick mother to visit and is told to grow up.

If we do not understand the incredible power of attachment and its impact on us, we can inadvertently hurt our partner deeply simply by not understanding what kind of response is required.

All such disastrous events are marked by moments of intense need and vulnerability, when a loved one is called upon to provide responsive care and does not come through. In these incidents, the answer to the key attachment questions—“Are you there for me when I need you?” and “Will you put me first?”—is a resounding no.

These failures of empathy and responsiveness create wounds that cannot be put aside or papered over. Most people recognize these wounds on an instinctual, gut level when they are describing them, even if they have never heard of the new science of love, and many do not believe that they can be healed. But indeed they can, even when they occur in relationships that are already tottering.

Author:  DR. SUE JOHNSON

Edited and adapted by MindBodyGreen from Love Sense with permission from the publisher.